If You Live Into Your Values

Some time ago, I made a kindness-based decision that came back to bite me. It wasn’t anything dramatic or life altering, but I did come home and cry about it for an entire evening.

And as I cried about it, I replayed the scenario over and over. In my heightened and emotional state, I took some notes: “I want to hate this quality in myself where I end up doing the right thing and it f***s me over; when I believe in someone too much and it f***s me over; when I see the good in something and it f***s me over and I want to hate this quality so bad because I can’t stop putting myself in situations where I get f***ed over but…”

There are many incoherent words across a rambling page in my notebook. But eventually, I land the plane. “…But ultimately, I love this about myself. That I’m going to choose the right thing even if people around me are choosing the wrong thing. That I’m going to live my values first.”

Oh believe me, I would have loved to make the selfish decision. I would have loved not to care. In fact, everyone I confided in about the situation was surprised at my response. “Way nicer than necessary.” “I would have just done xxxxx.” “You should have just xxxx.”

And maybe I should have. But in the course of one evening and many tears, I’d already walked myself to the other side. The other side where, when I went to bed that night, I was still sad about the outcome but proud of myself. The other side where, while I wish it had turned out differently, I believed myself to have done the right thing. The other side where, while the opportunity was gone, I was still living into my values.

I no longer make decisions based on fear or expectations or what someone else might deem reasonable. I make decisions that represent my values of inclusion and community and kindness. I lead with joy and empathy and respect.

It’s been some time since that frustrated night and outside of those initial tears and maybe a few days of lingering angst, I’ve never since given it much thought. Because I may have felt like I got f***ed over… but I didn’t f*** over myself. And that’s something I can live with.